This is not my original work but I wanted to share it to get you in the mood for the upcoming elections:

 

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.  Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

 

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C. ... HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

Tax his land
Tax his wage

Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor
Tax his mule
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow
Tax his goat

Tax his pants
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties
Tax his shirts
Tax his work

Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco
Tax his drink
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze
Tax his beers
If he cries
Tax his tears.
Tax his bills
Tax his gas
Tax his notes
Tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers
Tax him more
Tax him until he's good and sore.

Tax his coffin
Tax his grave
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb
“Taxes drove me to my doom!”
And when he's gone
We won't relax
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!

A List of Taxes:

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax

Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.  What happened?  Can you spell politicians! And I still have to press 1 for English.
 
What the heck happened?????

 

Note: this was sent to me in an email.  I did a double take on the $250 billion figure that Landrieu asked for. I thought that number had to be wrong. Alas, it is true.

Crockpots and cast iron skillets make your ordinary man into a gal pleasin' genius.  With these two instruments of God, I can make my wife think I'm Paul Prudhomme's slower brother.  Normally, having lived on my own for so many years, I eat over the sink.  Lean Pockets and peanuts rule for bachelors.   Now that I'm married, I like to cook a couple of times a week for two reasons. 1. To show my love for my wife, of course. and 2. To keep my wife happy and ergo keep me happy.  You can't burn anything in a crockpot unless you really put your mind to it.  And if you burn something in the cast iron skillet, you just chop it up or scrape it and call it "blackened". Put some chives or a sprig of parsley and "Mmm, mmm, blackened ham! Fancy".

Crockpots.  I choose not to use any gadget that is complicated.  Like a steamer.  I have never gotten rice to come out tender and fluffy!  No matter.  Crockpots were made for men like me.  Just put stuff in, season to taste, and go watch 8 episodes of "Lost".  When you come back: Chili!  

Here's how I normally use the crockpot. I look in the canned goods cabinet and pull out whatever beans we have. And there is usually two or three cans of diced tomatoes, okra and tomatoes, picante diced onions and tomatoes, corn, mixed veggies etc.  I mix these together in the pot.  Then I find whatever spices are on hand. My wife has done a good job of keeping good spices up there. Ever notice, if you buy cumin, or ground sage, or a $7 bottle of balsamic vinegar, the next time you use it there will have been a new president elected?  Anyway, I put a sprinkle of this and a dash of that and then turn on the crockpot.  Sometimes I throw in meat of some sort.  Serve this up with grilled cheese or biscuits and you're a blue ribbon winner.  I've made spaghetti sauce, chili, pinto beans, veggie stew, and some other big soupy thing that turned out pretty good once I added a bunch of crackers to it. 

Now for the piece of resistance: the cast iron skillet.  What's not to like about it?  It's huge so it holds a lot of food. It makes a good weapon. You can strengthen your grip and your forearms by using it. And, best of all, you can just leave it on the stove when you're done. Here's a tip from your old pal Scarlet: never put a cast iron skillet in the dishwasher.  Also, never scrub it with a steel pad.  What's the matter with you?  You tryin' to get rid of the flavorin'?  Just use some baking soda and hot water and then only twice a month or so.

I cooked bacon and eggs in it (at the same time, natch) and then left it on the stove. Two days later, I cooked potatoes in it.  Man, what flavor!  I took chili from the crockpot and poured that over the fried taters added a bit o' cheese and sour cream and my wife fell in love with me all over again.  She said, "What did you put on these potatoes? They are delicious."  I made up an intricate recipe that included something called "capers".  I did tell her the truth later, of course. 

Got this howler in an email. Enjoy:) lol.

Here I am - I started watching/listening to some old music videos on YouTube before kickoff of the Pats-Jags game - and I just finished.

It started out innocently.  Every now and then I get on YouTube to look up some oldies but goodies.  I've found some songs I had not heard in a while, the Rolling Stones' "Till the Next Goodbye", and Van Morrison's "Celtic Ray", for instance.  And some odd ones like the theme song to the new Bond film, Casino Royale.

Anyway, I wanted to hear Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up". I'm not gay, I swear; although the bartender in the video is.  haha.  My wife said, "Aww, your sensitive side."  I said, "And here's another song that shows how sensitive I am."  Savage Garden's "Truly, Madly, Deeply".  Say what you want, but that's a great song. 

So that led to another secret shame. Duran Duran. I love those guys.  I don't know what's wrong with me. I like U2, ACDC, and the Clash, yet I think "Hungry Like the Wolf" is pretty good. I sing along with it. So I pulled up two underrated Duran Duran songs, "Come Undone" and "Ordinary World".  I love those songs. 

Well, this led to Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You". And then several versions of "Amazing Grace" including bagpipes, Elvis, some 10 year old English kid, Mahalia Jackson, and Ricky Skaggs pickin' it on his mandolin (or whatever he calls that ukelele looking instrument).  Amazing Grace on bagpipes and Whitney singing that song always make me a bit watery-eyed. 

I had the earphones on and was singing along as off key as ever and having a ball.  Not to worry, I still keep my man card cause I finished with GNR's "Welcome to the Jungle".  

Israel is our only real ally in the Middle East.  Regardless if one thinks the state of Israel is there fairly or not, they have a right to exist. To do that, they must defend themselves.  Do we realize how often they have to restrain themselves because the Presidents of the United States have asked them to do so for 60 years?  As I understand it, their military can take on and win against 3 or 4 countries at once. They defeated Egypt in about 30 minutes in the 60's and their fighter pilots are known as some of the best in the world. According to military blogger Michael Yon, when Israel fought back against Hezbollah in 2006, they were only using about 1% of their capability. 

I get irritated when I hear Bush, Clinton, Carter or any President imply that any conflicts with their neighbors are Israel's fault. It is childish, ridiculous, and dangerous.  When the PLO attacks and they get pounded 3 times as hard in return the press and the ME apologists whine about proportional responses.  Horse Hockey.   Israel is surrounded by countries that want to push her into the sea. They have said so many times. I understand our Presidents have to be diplomatic due to numbers, but I wish they would do so yet still stand up for Israel in a clear manner. 
 

The Clintons are finally getting a taste of their own medicine.  Even though many in the Dinosaur press and the Dem party are keeping silent; others are noticing their dirty politics and  speaking out. Rep. Clyburn, the head of the Congressional Black Congress may decide not to stay neutral and put his weight behind Obama. And thanks be for Rush, Fox news, and the blogworld else the Clintons' campaign would get away with saying Obama hasn't done the "spadework" yet.

I've always said the reason Bill Clinton was so popular is because America loves a good dramady.  They were like the Cosbys of the 90s.  The Clinton campaign is having trouble now because, like "Dallas" and "Cheers" America has moved on to other entertainment.  They don't want to see the same old shows when there is a new hit called "That's My Obama". 

Barack’s post New Hampshire speech was interesting.  I was listening while doing other things so I only heard the words.  I expected him to be full of platitudes.  He started out with the usual Dem/lib vagueness.  I’m paraphrasing but here are summaries: “Something’s happening in America” “Bravery for real change” “The future” blah blah blah.  I started smiling and shaking my head as the crowd went wild.  Then Barack started hitting the notes just right:
Democrats, independents and Republicans who are tired of the division and distraction that has clouded Washington, who know that we can disagree without being disagreeable, who understand that, if we mobilize our voices to challenge the money and influence that stood in our way and challenge ourselves to reach for something better, there is no problem we cannot solve, there is no destiny that we cannot fulfill. Our new American majority can end the outrage of unaffordable, unavailable health care in our time. We can bring doctors and patients, workers and businesses, Democrats and Republicans together, and we can tell the drug and insurance industry that, while they get a seat at the table, they don't get to buy every chair, not this time, not now.

(APPLAUSE)

Our new majority can end the tax breaks for corporations that ship our jobs overseas and put a middle-class tax cut in the pockets of working Americans who deserve it.

We can stop sending our children to schools with corridors of shame and start putting them on a pathway to success.

We can stop talking about how great teachers are and start rewarding them for their greatness by giving them more pay and more support. We can do this with our new majority.

We can harness the ingenuity of farmers and scientists, citizens and entrepreneurs to free this nation from the tyranny of oil and save our planet from a point of no return.

And when I am president of the United States, we will end this war in Iraq and bring our troops home.

(APPLAUSE)

We will end this war in Iraq. We will bring our troops home. We will finish the job -- we will finish the job against Al Qaida in Afghanistan. We will care for our veterans. We will restore our moral standing in the world.

And we will never use 9/11 as a way to scare up votes, because it is not a tactic to win an election. It is a challenge that should unite America and the world against the common threats of the 21st century: terrorism and nuclear weapons, climate change and poverty, genocide and disease.

As an American, I’m all for everything Obama said except the part about quitting the War in Iraq.  I think this type of talk appeals to most Americans.

Then he does a little of the old humble celebrity bit:

But the reason our campaign has always been different, the reason we began this improbable journey almost a year ago is because it's not just about what I will do as president. It is also about what you, the people who love this country, the citizens of the United States of America, can do to change it.

That's what this election is all about.

That's why tonight belongs to you. It belongs to the organizers, and the volunteers, and the staff who believed in this journey and rallied so many others to join the cause.

We know the battle ahead will be long. But always remember that, no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

Now I know it is not exactly true, but he is smart to frame his campaign in this light.  Again, it appeals to people.

Barack winds it up with a bit of Reaganish storytelling:

We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

(APPLAUSE)

For when we have faced down impossible odds, when we've been told we're not ready or that we shouldn't try or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation: Yes, we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail towards freedom through the darkest of nights: Yes, we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness: Yes, we can.

It was the call of workers who organized, women who reached for the ballot, a president who chose the moon as our new frontier, and a king who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the promised land: Yes, we can, to justice and equality.

Yes, we can, to opportunity and prosperity. Yes, we can heal this nation. Yes, we can repair this world. Yes, we can.

And so, tomorrow, as we take the campaign south and west, as we learn that the struggles of the textile workers in Spartanburg are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas, that the hopes of the little girl who goes to the crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of L.A., we will remember that there is something happening in America, that we are not as divided as our politics suggest, that we are one people, we are one nation.

And, together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story, with three words that will ring from coast to coast, from sea to shining sea: Yes, we can.

Obama uses his own style and it seems he has studied the history of successful politicians.  Very scant on details but full of hope and niceness and can do attitude. I’m thinking this must be the way the early Dems sounded.  He sounds like he actually believes in a hard working fair America instead of an evil America that owes people. Somehow he does not sound like Edwards or Hillary.  I used to think Obama was just a darker Dan Quayle.  I am impressed now.  He can win.

Rose Michaels: Let me make you some breakfast.

Charlie Mackenzie: Oh, gee, you know, I'd love to. But you know, I'm really running late, but thanks!
Rose Michaels: What would you say to silver-dollar pancakes, fresh-squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?

Charlie Mackenzie: Well, that sounds great!
[Cut to Rose pouring cereal in Charlie's bowl]
Rose Michaels: Sorry. I didn't have those other things.

Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, that's fine. That other stuff will probably kill you... whereas "Froot Loops" are light, and reasonably high in fiber. I care for "Apple Jacks" a great deal

This scene comes from an underrated comedy, So I Married an Axe Murderer.  My wife and I have started using the term “silver dollar pancakes” for situations that involve undelivered promises, guarantees, conditions etc.  These are usually customer service situations but can also include friends and relatives who talk about doing something but, since you know them, you know they will fail to deliver.  The people who make these promises are usually well-meaning but they are uninformed or just trying to please.

Some examples of these types of people:

 

Your relative who says, “Next summer, we’re all going to Hawaii.” Now, he could stop at this fanciful statement but he continues to add details: “We can go fly over the volcano on the big island. Then we can go ‘snuba’ diving. It’s this thing where you’re hooked up to a tube in this boat but you dive down about 10 feet in the water to watch the manatees.  It’s at night. Really cool. I saw it on the Travel channel. I think flights over there are only about $500 per person.”  This is usually a guy who will not get off the couch on a Friday night to go to Red Lobster with the family.

 

Dem/libs: Now I don’t mean the dangerous lunatic kind (I know, redundant).  But some of them are not trying to just grab power.  Some of them honestly think that they can deliver peace, love and understanding via government. Hollywood actors fall into this category.  They are dumb but usually harmless.  I’m trying to think of politicians who fall into this category but, on the national level, most of their well meaning ideas are actually quite harmful.  State and local level pols do fall into this category, especially in San Francisco and Berkley.

 

Teachers and other social workers: Not all of them, of course. Just the ones who tell Junior that he is really quite the sprinter and finishing last while eating a donut is “Okay. You’re okay. I’m okay. Here’s a ribbon for you, champ.”  These folks are all about self-esteem instead of results. They tell kids they're good at everything when, in reality, they should get kids to understand that just because they stink at one thing it doesn’t make them a loser.

 

Friends who not only promise to be on time for movies, dinner, funerals etc but also offer to buy.  Your friend Rachel will say, “I thought your wedding started at two! I had to take mom to get her boil lanced this morning and one thing led to another. So, where’s the pianist?”

 

And finally, this brings me to Customer Service folks.  A good number of customer service folks are competent but my wife and I tend to attract the incompetent ones.  The inspiration for this entry came from a fun day we had trying to buy a car for my wife.

Woe are we.  Four months ago my wife and I struggled over whether to spend our small fortune on a cash car or to pay off a debt or two completely and just have a car payment.  I reasoned that we could get a newer car that would probably not give us any problems for a while and I would feel better about her driving it.  We could use our cash to pay off some debts. She swore that she has had great success with cash cars. I never have.  Well, long story short: 2 mechanics told us the cash car was fine; initial large amount of cash for purchase and additional $600 later the water pump went out which caused mucho damages; so we have to get a new car.  Since I am mature and know that spit happens I just let it roll off me.  My wife says that thinking about it makes her ill so we don’t bring it up.

While I was at work my wife worked on getting approved for a loan and searching for a used car. The finance guy said “Everything’s great - get what you want.”  My wife asked if there was a restriction on mileage like, say, nothing over 100,000.  The guy said, “Not to worry. I’m sure that will not be a problem.”  You know what happened, right?  Day 1 was wasted for my wife.  She had looked at some nice wagons but they had slightly over 100,000 on them.  Of course, it turns out that they will not finance cars over 100,000 after all. Silver dollar pancake #1.

Day 2: My wife drove all over town to see private owner cars. She liked them but also wanted to get one of our mechanics to check them out. I said, “Well, the mechanics’ guarantee did not work out so hot for the last car so we’re not gonna waste time and money again.  Just go to a dealer and we’ll get one from there."

Day 3: I found a nice Saturn wagon for her to look at.  The dealer was right around the corner from us. It was SATURN. I mean, who doesn’t trust SATURN?  So my wife walks in and talks to a salesman and tells him exactly which car she wants.  He says “Great. I’ll be right back.” She walks out, waits a while, and goes back in to see where the guy went.  This other guy walks up and tells her the other fellow had to help some other customers and he would be glad to help her.

The first salesman, let’s call him “Jack A.”, obviously wanted to talk to the older couple who were looking at the new Outlook SUV rather than continue with my wife and the used wagon.  The new guy, let’s call him “Ed”, was all smiles and sunshine and balloons.  He was easy going and talked up the car.  This guy looks like Ed Norton.  You don’t know if that winning smile of his is hiding a con man or killer or maybe he is really just a nice guy. Ed tells my wife that the car is 100% certified and still has the original warranty left on it as well.  1 owner from Florida. Wow, what a great deal we are getting!

So my wife tells them that she wants to buy it and will be back.  I leave work to meet her at the finance place.  The original guy she was working with was not there of course. He was having physical therapy or had to attend a tai chi class or something. So we get the manager, “Bo”.  Bo tells us not to worry - everything is fine.  90 minutes later we get a loan for the right amount but the interest rate is higher than the other guy told my wife.  “He didn’t lie to you, it’s just that different vehicles have different rates blah blah blah.” And Bo goes on to discuss quantum theory to us in Chinese. That’s silver dollar pancake #2.

We go back to the dealer and they tell us the car will be ready shortly but there is only one book keeper person on hand so it will be a while until she can process us.  Ed says, “Do you guys want to go get something to eat?”  Well, “That was classy” I thought. My wife says “Where are you taking us?”  Ed says, “Oh I meant YOU TWO go to dinner and come back. We only have popcorn and coffee here.”  (Cue music: waa waa waaaaahhhhh)

So we leave and get into traffic to get something to eat.  I’m sure where you live you all have places not to be at certain times of day. Well, in Atlanta in general and Gwinnett in particular, it is not a good idea to be out on any type of road among the hours of 6:30 am – 9:15 am, 10:30 am – 1:30 pm, and 3:00 pm – 6:30 pm M-F, all day Saturday and Sunday and don’t forget Wednesday night church services 6:30 pm – 11:00 pm.  We make it to Taco Bell and order two delicious meals. I always speak slowly and deliberately when ordering thru fast food.  The lady repeated my order back exactly on the first try, much to my surprise. We get our food and drive off.  We got someone else’s order.  This someone else must have been hungry because there was a plethora of food in that bag.  I manfully ate most of it.  Now this moment was sort of a silver dollar pancake because the lady and we agreed on something in particular which was implicitly guaranteed by said lady. (Am I sounding like a street lawyer yet?:) We did not get what we were expecting but it was much more so I’ll let it slide.

After an hour and a half of playing in traffic we get back to the dealer.  They are still not ready for us.  Another hour goes by and we finally see the bookkeeper lady.  My wife asks for her to go over the warranty and certification of the car.  We had both asked Ed about this several times and he said, “Oh Michelle will go over that with you at close.”  Fine. You know, when I checked the wagon out I noticed that it had an emissions check in North Carolina.  That was my first inkling that Ed didn’t really know much about this wagon.

"Michelle", when asked about the warranty, paused and looked confused.  We told her what Ed told us. She smiled and said, “Excuse me for a moment.”  Uh oh. Silver dollar pancake #3 was coming up. My wife and I just looked at each other and sighed.  I told her the car was fine and it was a Saturn with low mileage on it so we should get it anyway even though we knew Michelle was going to come back and tell us how confused Ed had been about the wagon.  Sure enough, Michelle told us that the wagon had a red tag put on it by mistake and that it was not certified and that Ed should have known that.  Ed told us he was sorry but someone should have taken the tag off.  Apologies all around and the car had been taken through their standard check points anyway.

Now, if this were not a no-haggle place, I might have suspected them of trying to hoodoo us but I believed them that it was an honest mistake.  Ed had just demonstrated a silver dollar pancake situation.  He meant well but really was talking through his a(scratch that) – was talking through his hat. He was trying to make us happy and make a sale as well.

We had one more silver dollar pancake situation to go with Saturn. My wife wanted them to check the brakes so they had to keep the car overnight.  The next morning at 8:30 am Ed calls and tells my wife that the car will be ready at 10:00 am.  Great. I know that means 11:00 am so we get their at 11:00 am and – ta dah! The car is not ready. I had to go to work so my wife had them give her a loaner until the wagon was ready.  They called her at 1 pm and told her it was ready. My wife asked the guy on the phone: ”Now when you say ‘ready’ what does that mean to you? I just want to make sure we both understand the word.”  Haha. I love my wife. She finally drove off the lot with the car at 1:30 pm.

Despite the “misunderstandings” I was still satisfied with the deal but my wife was a bit let down because she was worried about the wagon breaking down. I don’t blame her but I’m taking it on faith that this car will actually hang in there for a while. We’ll just have to watch out for those silver dollar pancake promises.